


Variety, My Favorite Spice

by TinderWulf



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: 100 Drabble Challenge, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-20
Packaged: 2017-12-11 08:49:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/796238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinderWulf/pseuds/TinderWulf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A personal challenge of writing drabbles for 100 random words.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> After noticing that I wrote 30 pieces (whoa!) and realizing my 30th birthday is a couple weeks away, I decided to write a fic to celebrate.
> 
> Then writers block happened.
> 
> In an effort to kick it's arse, I copied a list of 100 random words then proceeded to write a short drabble for each of them. This was crazy hard. So many times I wanted to change a word because I couldn't come up with anything right away. But I pushed on. Below are snippets of fun, not-fun, cracky, fluffy scenes. I wrote the first thing that popped into my head. That's not always a good thing.

**1\. Sausage**

“Spirits, what is that horrible smell?”

Gardner looked up, offended. “Sausage.”

“Smells like dead voomi,” Garrus complained as he filled his plate with dextro rations. When he turned around, he watched as Shepard bit into a piece of the smelly 'food'. He hoped she brushed her teeth before she made good on the promise in her eyes.

 

**2\. Blubber**

The sound coming from the mess hall sounded more like the sounds one would find in the men's restroom when one of the humans had one too many burritos.

The giggles, however, were not.

When he rounded the corner, he came face to face with the Commander, the salarian, and the commander's assistant. The commander stuck her fingers in the container in her other hand, then pressed. The disgusting sound filled the room along with the laughter from the women.

“It's perfect, Mordin, thank you.”

“Welcome, Shepard. Never too old to play with blubber.”

_Primitives._

 

**3\. Pencil**

He was so beautiful when he was like this. His hands work furiously over the thick paper, his eyes blinking only when absolutely necessary. So many times she's awakened to this view. This time though, she was unable to remain still to let him finish. 

Rising, she gently took away the drawing pad and pencil and placed it on the flat surface behind the headboard. She kissed her way up his torso, enjoying the hitch in his breathing when she reached the red frills on his neck. 

Perfect memory would let him finish his drawing of her later.

 

**4\. Cloud**

The ringing in her ears was intense. Dirt flew around her, people panicked, and soldiers yelled. 

“ et...and...top admiring the clouds, Shepard!”

“Aye, aye!” Her voice sounded rough, the ringing in her ears easing as they adjusted to the chaos around them.

“Commander is dead. You're in charge, Shepard. Elysium is under attack. Orders?”

 

**5\. Moon**

The silver seemed to sparkle as the full moon lit it, the scars on his body standing out even more. They'd been laying in bed awake for hours. Neither unable to sleep. Shepard never thought she'd get this far, but here she was. On earth, the war won, and the admiral laying next to her. His hands roaming her bared flesh, his lips not far behind. 

Perhaps the full moon did make normally calm people do crazy things. Though, if you asked her, this had been a long time coming.

 

**6\. Water**

My body shivers. So cold and hot at the same time. I can hear my daddy talking to someone. He's scared. I've never heard him like that before.

I'm floating as sweat dries to my skin. It itches.

Cold. Coldcoldcold. I'm crying as the waters covers me to my neck.

Daddy sings.

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine..._

 

**7\. Computer**

When the AI stepped in front of him to block a spray of bullets, Javik thought perhaps his opinion was wrong. 

She stayed until his shields were full. 

 

**8\. School**

Steve was surprised to find Shepard asleep at the mess table, but what was more surprising were the datapads surrounding the overworked spectre.

_Becoming a licensed Ordained Alliance Captain: 1000 Credits.  
For All Council Species (Not including human): 2000 credits  
For Quarian, Drell, Krogan: 1500 Credits_

_Total: 4500 Credits._

_ N7 marines receive a 10% discount on entire purchase. All courses are legal and credited.  _

John Shepard spent his free time going to school. That was...adorable? Sexy? Amazing? A little bit of the three perhaps.

 

**9\. Network**

It was a strange feeling. But familiar. Being inside the consensus was...something she'd been curious about. Knowing Legion could understand everything she was thinking was a little unsettling. Especially...

“Yes, Shepard-Commander. We are flattered.”

If networks could blush.

“We detect a rise in heat on the server. Making coolant adjustments now.”

_Oops._

 

**10\. Hammer**

The ground vibrated under her as she pressed the first button. Then it was a mad dash to the other side where the second, and final, one await. 

Garrus was yelling at her through the comms but she heard none of it over the noise of the reapers legs hitting the stone. Only when the second hammer fell did she pause for breath. 

The pause lasted only seconds before she realized what Garrus was yelling.

_Get out of there now, Shepard!_


	2. Chapter 2

**11\. Walking**

Every evening it was the same stretch of beach that met her bare feet. The only difference tonight made was the small sea shell that lay in her path. 

_I'm thinking of you too, Mordin._

Picking it up she studied the grooves before she placed it in her pocket to take it home... Like she had with the others over the years.

 

**12\. Violently**

The kodiak shook and groaned, the squeal of the metal bringing back images Shepard thought she'd moved past. It was frightening. Terrifying. They hadn't even touched down on Earth yet.

Garrus sat down next to her while Kaidan watched the monitors. Garrus knew. That visor likely showed him the increase in heart rate.

“Did I ever tell you about the time I had to wait tables because I got pick-pocketed the first ten minutes I was on the Citadel? No? Well, my father thought it would be a good punishment. Teach me a lesson he said...”

 

**13\. Mediocre**

How was he supposed to prepare grand meals with these lousy supplies? And worse, he'd been bragging about his cooking skills. This was his punishment he supposed. 

When Shepard stopped by the mess to drop of a datapad, she'd been wearing a 'shit-eating grin'. Damned if that didn't make him a little nervous.

He activated the datapad carefully, just in case because you could never be sure with special forces. _Well I'll be...real food supplies._

 

**14\. Literature**

It wasn't what he was reading but it was the way he read it that kept her full attention. His voice soothing but not relaxing, instead it was energized as he read. Full of excitement. 

It reminded her a lot of how her father read her bedtime stories. Though father and daughter would end up acting out the scenes and eventually getting into trouble with Mama Shepard. 

She smiled at the memory. The scolding they got had been worth it. As is the scolding she was receiving now. 

It wasn't her fault she had to sudden urge to act out his dialogue.

 

**15\. Chair**

Dropping heavily onto the bench, John released a tired sigh. He'd been on his feet for nearly twenty-four hours. Gathering supplies, getting licenses to requisitions things, and doing small jobs had kept him here far longer than he'd intended. 

Everyone stopped him. _Oh my gosh, Commander Shepard! It is such an honor to meet you!_ Didn't they realize he had a war to win? And as usual there was a long line for the transport terminal, though the group taking up most of the space seemed to be together.

A turian woman caught his eye making John stand up immediately. “Ma'am?” He gestured to the now vacant seat.

“Thank you so much, Sir.”

“You're welcome.” He helped her sit and arrange a small pillow behind her back. 

It wasn't that long of a walk back to the ship. He took off with a smile, no longer feeling the strain of being up for so long.

_”Spirits, Jupa, don't disappear on me again.”_

_“I'm pregnant, love, not crippled. Besides, that human gave me his seat so...”_

_“Commander Shepard gave you his place!?”_

_“Oh, was that Commander Shepard? Well...what a nice man.”_

**  
16\. Two**

Wiping sweat from her brow, she looked down before meeting Vega's eyes.

“Do you have a two?”

“Ha! Go fish, Lola!”

This was the most intense game of Strip Go Fish she'd played in years. 

 

**17\. Window**

The house was small and comfortable. Perfect for a young krogan learning his way in the galaxy. A bachelor pad. 

It wasn't until Grunt farted that Shepard began to second guess his decision to stay the night. Especially when Grunt had glued all the windows shut.

Damn kids and their pranks.

 

**18\. Cords**

“Fucking shit!” John grunted as he landed hard on the floor, his coffee cup shattering on impact. This was the third time this week that he'd tripped over the cords laying all over the command deck. It was ridiculous. “The next person that laughs gets latrine duty for a week!”

 

**19\. Musical**

Tears fell as Mordin's voice played over the stereo system. She would have liked it if he'd finished Amazing Grace, but then Mordin always seemed to prefer the more upbeat songs.

It had taken some doing, but Liara had found an old recording of Mordin performing Gilbert and Sullivan. Video and audio. She'd even gone to the musical when they'd had it on the Citadel. 

She'd been there to support Mordin's favorite nephew. 

 

**20\. Zebra**

Grunt wasn't sure what to think of the black and white animal. “Can I eat it?”

“No! It's an endangered species, Grunt,” his battlemaster stated with shock lacing her voice.

“What's the use of animal pens if the animal can't be eaten?!” He grumbled.

Stupid humans.


	3. Chapter 3

**21\. Xylophone**

What was that heavenly sound? It was as if the spirits joined together to sing songs of battles won. 

Victus followed the sound from the mess hall to the observation deck. When the door opened, there was a lone human with some odd thing in front of her. Then the sound coming from the machine stopped abruptly.

“Victus?”

“Commander, I apologize, it's just...”

“You heard me playing and couldn't resist. Garrus' feet often bring him here too if he's awake when I'm playing.”

“Would you...would you continue?” He shivered as the angelic sounds started again.

 

**22\. Penguin**

Looking down at the creature in his hand, Grunt immediately tipped his head back and tossed the tiny, dead fish into his mouth.

“Oh my God! You were supposed to feed it to them!” The lady...or man in the weird headdress yelled hysterically while pointing at a weird black and white thing.

His battlemaster sighed beside him, “He's a krogan, Sir, what did you expect to happen when you gave him a fish. They are considered a delicacy on Tuchanka.”

 

**23\. Home**

The scent of coffee filled his nose as he came into awareness. His eyes opening and resting on the back of the man that made the cold, empty house seem warm and full with his presence alone.

“Steve.”

His husband turned to him with a smile on his beautiful face, “I thought coffee would wake you up, Commander. Come on now,” Steve put his hand out to help John stand, “Urz needs to be walked.” That beautiful smile. “And so do you.

 

**24\. Dog**

“No, Garrus.”

“Come on, Shepard. I'll take care of him.”

She could never resist that damn face and he knew it. The sweet, sad blue-eyed puppy in his arms didn't help either. She would regret this at some point.

“Fine, but he sleeps on the floor.”

She pretended to be asleep when Garrus settled the puppy on the bed. One night. Just one.

 

**25\. Final**

“But this isn't what I ordered!”

“I'm sorry, Ma'am, all sales are final. No refunds.”

It would be abuse to use her Spectre authorization to beat the ever loving shit out of him. Instead, she would take her business elsewhere.

Now all she had to do was talk a turian and krogan male into pink armor.

 

**26\. Ink**

Her fingers traced her now bare skin. It was gone. All of it.

“Jack, you do ink?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you put this one on me? Back in the same place.” Shepard passed over a holo.

Jack looked at the holo then back up at Shepard. A look of understanding passed over the biotics face before she nodded. “Yeah, yeah I can do that.”

 

**27\. Teacher**

It took less than two seconds for her back to hit the mat under her. Everyday for the last month she'd been down here sparring with Thane and everyday he took her down a new way. 

“We aren't leaving until you stay on your feet.”

“Yeah, yeah.” She bitched and complained the entire time but Thane only smiled.

 

**28\. Fun**

This place wasn't exactly ideal, but it was sturdy. Sturdy was important for drunk people like Zaeed and Grunt. 

Eventually, Shepard found herself out on the dance floor with Thane pressed close behind her and Garrus pressed close from the front. All three grinding together to the beat of the bass, their hands everywhere.

This was so much better than reading reports.

 

**29\. Website**

Oh no. No, this wasn't good. Shepard was going to be pissed. Beyond pissed. 

“EDI, tell me we can remove this.”

“We can, but Shepard is already viewing it.”

“What?!”

[Who the hell put this video on SpaceTube?!]

_-Shepard CAN dance!  
1980s (earth) Dance Medley starring Commander Shepard._

[I will find out who did this!]

Damn, Joker couldn't even claim this one.

 

**30\. Banana**

Garrus knew that when he got aroused by watching Shepard eat that yellow wrapped fruit with her flexible mouth that he was in trouble. 

Her face was blank but her eyes held mischief. She knew what she was doing to him. 

Guess it was time to break out the recon scout story. Just to see her reaction.


	4. Chapter 4

**31\. Uncle**

The experience was...gross mostly. And beautiful all the same. 

Now he watched from the observation window as they rolled the newborn up for his inspection. Shepard was right, it was a cute little thing. It looked all squished up though, but he thought that was normal. 

Shepard joined him as the nurses rolled another newborn to the window. 

Uncle Garrus. Aunt Shepard. 

Clan Urdnot.

 

**32\. Softly**

It wasn't allowed. Fraternization. Especially with ones commanding officer. They had to be quiet, nothing more than quiet gasps and even those were dangerous. 

She was sure Joker knew, but he never let on that he knew this secret. Of course, the pilot knew she would kick his ass, brittle bone disease be damned. Long time friendship was probably the only thing keeping his mouth shut. Joker also helped keep Kaidan off her back.

“David, I have to go.”

“Shepard.”

She smiled when he rolled her under him. For an old man, he sure had amazing stamina. 

 

**33\. Mega**

When they'd said a statue, Shepard had expected something the size of the krogan statue. Instead, she was the size of the mini relay.

A giant bronze Commander Shepard. 

Even the bad dancing wasn't as embarrassing as this, but she smiled anyway and gave thanks for such a 'large' honor.

 

**34\. Ten**

“Just one more. You can do it,” she encouraged.

“I cannae.”

“You can.”

“Nay.” His arms shook from exertion.

“Hey, Gabby!” Shepard called then laughed. “Ten. Well done. I'll have you in shape in no time.”

“That... was a mighty... mean trick, Commander,” he labored between breaths.

“Yeah...but it worked. It's called motivation, Kenneth.”

 

**35\. Awesome**

They hadn't known each other very long, but she still mourned him. He'd died at home at least, that was something. 

_That. Was. Awesome!_

She raised her Serrice Ice Brandy to toast him. Corporal Richard Jenkins, may he rest in peace. 

Another life taken too early.

 

**36\. Attach**

“That should hold it.” Gardner stood dusting off his knees as he admired his handy work.

[Cerberus regulations clearly state...]

“Yeah, yeah.”

Duct tape was just as good at making the sheet of metal stay on the wall as well as fancy adhesive was. 

 

**37\. Blue**

Getting through the meeting had taken forever. Every minute the meeting went over the allotted time felt like an hour. Today was a very important day in the Shepard-Vakarian household. A day they'd been waiting for. Also a day that their schedules refused to merge together the way they normally did. 

Shepard had the gender ultrasound over an hour ago and had likely waited in his office until she was forced to go to her meeting. 

Garrus nodded to his secretary as he unlocked his office. Ms. Chambers' extra bright smile should have been the give away. 

When the door swooshed open, Garrus was immediately assaulted by his favorite color. Blue streamers and balloons moved and jostled as the air hit them. 

His mandibles spread wide at the realization.

 

**38\. Internet**

“...and then I read on the internet that you saved a bunch of people from dying in an oil refinery.”

Shepard successfully resisted the urge to correct her grandmother. “I had help, Grams.”

 

**39\. Bottle**

The drink was yanked from her grasp making her lose balance and slip off the couch. “Give it back!” She slurred.

“No, Shepard.”

“Thane please, I need it.”

“No.”

Didn't he understand what it was like to be consumed by nightmares? The fear, hysteria, and panic? 

She fought against his hold as he pulled her under the cold spray of water. The loss of breath from the sudden shock made her fight harder as her lungs struggled for air, tears fell in the panic and mixed with the water streaming down her face. The water was suddenly warm, a calming voice against her ear, a reassuring hand rubbing her back. He dried her and carried her to bed. 

Tears continued to fall silently as she sobered. “Please stay, Thane,” she whispered roughly. The bed dipping beside her was the only answer she received as her eyes grew heavy. 

 

**40\. Tight**

A female had to have done it. Or Steve, but then he didn't think Steve would sink that low. 

With a sigh he pulled the shirt over his head. Later he would investigate and find out who was shrinking his shirts. 

He hoped Lola didn't make him run laps again.


	5. Chapter 5

**41\. Zone**

He needed proof. Needed to see her fight up close, to give orders. A quarantined area wasn't going to stop him.

By the time he began coughing he was regretting his hard-headed decision. A decision Shepard would give him a stern talking-to later if her glare had anything to say about it.

 

**42\. Tomato**

Thane flinched internally every time Shepard bit into the small red fruit she called cherry tomatoes. She couldn't know how much they resembled a drells internal testicles.

 

**43\. Prison**

The detention center she'd been placed in was more like a luxury suite. Minus an extranet connection. The door locked, she had privacy, and Vega always knocked. David though, he usually just walked in. Not that she cared.

There was nothing soft and quiet about their lovemaking then. Not within the privacy of her bedroom and Vega relieved of duty for the evening. 

Only when she was alone did she feel confined.

 

**44\. Hydro**

Numerous sighs filled the room, hers included. Kasumi had been right, she needed this spa day. The good looking turian giving her a massage was also what the doctor ordered. And by doctor, she meant Kelly. 

“So...what time does your shift end?”

“You do realize I'm female?”

Shepard smiled, then moaned when the attractive masseuse uncoiled a stubborn muscle. “Yes, very female.”

The turian chuckled softly, her talons lightly grazing Shepard's waist. “Two hours.”

 

**45\. Cleaning**

It was an odd position to find the ships commanding officer. Them on their hands and knees, rear wiggling enticingly while they wiped the floor. 

He cleared his throat to get her attention. 

“Yeah? Somethin' you need, Victus?” She wiped her chin on her shoulder as she rinsed out a rag.

“Everything okay, Commander?”

“Half my crew is sick with the flu. Thankfully most are mild cases, but a couple aren't holding any food down.”

Disgusting. “And you're cleaning up?”

“Vomit. The janitor is sick too.”

 

**46\. Television**

Sitting still had become a challenge. How long had it been since she just sat and watched something? Months? Years? Even in confinement she hadn't bothered with the vid terminal. 

“Keelah, Shepard. Stop moving.”

“I'm sorry, Tali. I'm not used to being inactive.”

“Try knitting.”

Huh, Shepard mused. That wasn't a half bad idea.

 

**47\. Send**

This couldn't be happening. 

_To: Garrus Vakarian; Adrien Victus  
From: J. Shepard  
Subj: _

_Hey boys, let's talk a threesome ;)  
-Shep_

Oh it was. She'd sent it. And they'd replied. They didn't know she'd been hammered when she written the message. How was she ever going to look at them again?

Hesitantly, she clicked open their replies. Embarrassment quickly turned to arousal.

 

**48\. Frog**

The way Shepard was stumbling around the mess hall, it was likely she didn't even realize what she was wearing. The humans hair was messy, her eyes were half-closed, and she was barely dressed. It was one of the very few times he'd ever seen her so...rumpled. Though the coughing, sneezing, and sniffling gave him an idea of what the problem was.

“Cute shirt, Commander.”

Thane sipped his tea, pretending to not hear the conversation.

“My brother gave it to me when I was dating this drell some years ago.” Her voice sounded nasally, “He thought he was being funny because the drell was orange.”

Ah. The same color as the frog.

“I see. Men can often be horribly immature,” the doctor sighed as she injection the cold medication. “Especially brothers.”

“Yeah.” The commander sneezed. “Luckily, my boyfriend at the time thought it was funny.” 

_I Love Frogs_

 

**49\. Cup**

When she reached Grunt's room, she pressed the call button. She used to walk right into the room, but since he became an 'adult' she tried to respect his privacy. The door opened quickly, a smiling and nervous Grunt presenting her with a coffee mug. 

The badly painted light brown mug had a white stick figure drawn on it. It had sloppy red hair and Grunt's stick figure looked to be more like a blue and silver dinosaur. The stick figures were holding hands, their other hands held was she guessed were shotguns. A dirty yellow worm (thresher maw?) lay behind them.

The words 'Happy Mother's Day!' were in white along the bottom of the cup.

It was hideous and beautiful.

“I love it, Grunt. Thank you.”

 

**50\. Book**

The emotions she felt every time she lay her eyes upon it was near suffocating. After all this time and the way she'd treated her....

Shepard had remembered. Not only had the commander brought her a Tennyson book, she'd brought Ashley one the she'd only mentioned once. A long time ago. 

Wiping a tear away, she finally picked one up. That Shepard would remember such an insignificant thing was proof enough that she was the still same woman she had been on the SR-1.


	6. Chapter 6

**51\. Zooming**

“Goddess, Commander. Please stop!”

“It's called making sure we aren't followed, Councilor.”

The woman was sobbing into Vega's armor. “We're going to die!”

“You get used to her driving, amiga.”

Why did people always give her a hard time about her driving? She's passed every test she's ever taken. And yet, someone always ended up begging for their life.

“You got any complaints, Sparatus? Might as well get them out while we're all sharing.”

“Hmm? No. No complaints.” He sat in his seat tall, calm, and collected. “I was a co-pilot for the smaller fighter jets.”

“Finally, someone that appreciates my driving skills. But this doesn't mean I like you yet!”

“Lola, truck. Truck!”

 

**52\. Falling**

Shepard knew what he was thinking, making her set off in a dead run before the kid even leaned over the railing. It all happened in slow motion; His losing his grasp on the slick metal, his mother spotting him and running toward him, her panicked screams garnering the attention of those around her as he toppled over.

Then Shepard was diving, the cold water hitting her and making her lungs clench briefly. There, a flash of white. The kid fought and struggled but to no avail. His body began to stop fighting when Shepard pulled him to her and swam up as fast as she could.

The young turian child's coughs were the best thing Shepard's heard in a long time. He clung to her, his tiny talons cutting into her Alliance fatigues, as he vomited up water.

Once the civilians nearby had the pair safely out of the water, Shepard looked down at the kid being wrapped in heated blankets. “Don't run off from your mom, kid. And that's an order, soldier.”

“Yes, Ma'am.”

 

**53\. Evil**

The smell was horrible. But the sight was worse. Shepard's helmet fell to the metal floor with an echoed clank. 

“Get them out of the cages,” he said roughly. “Give the doctors the all clear.”

They all touched him. A hundred faces of different races all needing to feel, to make sure that it was real. That he was real. And children, so many children.

“We were lucky, Shepard. They hadn't been processed for chips yet.”

One camp freed. Countless more to go. 

 

**54\. Gamer**

“Um...EDI?”

[Yes, Commander.]

“Are you s3xyr0b0tSR2?”

[Yes.]

Invitation sent, Shepard loaded up the newest updated copy of Galaxy of Fantasy. Her base would be the best, oh yes.

 

**55\. Lid**

Kaidan did his best to ignore it, he really did. Everyone had been under a lot of stress lately, Shepard more-so. But really, was it so hard to replace the cap on the toothpaste? Was it?!

 

**56\. Juice**

The cold drink was moving to her lips one second, then slapped away the next.

“Keelah, Shepard! You were about to drink urine. Why would you do that?”

Shepard sighed, this happened far too often. “It was apple juice, Tali.”

“Oh.” 

And yet they never offered to give her a new one once they ruined the one she'd been drinking. 

 

**57\. Monitor**

Every day he didn't have to be ground-side he would go to the cargo bay and exercise. Everyday, Shepard would watched from the security cameras. 

Cerberus had spared no expense with these top of the line cameras. Zooming in didn't degrade the feed at all. And those scales...

His ass was definitely an eleven. He should remove his jacket more often.

[Your popcorn is complete, Commander. And Sere Krios asks that if you are going to continue to ogle him, that you come down and continue your monitoring there. I believe he enjoys your company.]

 

**58\. Captain**

“Perhaps we've should've chosen a different word to drink to. I'm afraid to shtand.”

Kasumi sighed, “I agree. Me too. Whatever.”

“We should totally trade shex stories!”

“Fuck that. Shepard's a fucking virgin.”

“She means a non-human virgin. But not anymore.” The room moved when the two women sat up quickly asking who she'd taken to bed. “To be honest, I think I've become a bit of a whore.” 

She laughed, then snorted. “There was Grizz on Omega. Mmmm he was tasty. Then Feron the last time I visited Liara. I was high for a while after that one.” She took a drink of the whiskey Kasumi had stolen. “The most recent was that quarian captain that picked up that sick quarian we found at that one place.”

“Fuck, Shepard. You ain't such a pussy after all.”

The door opened, Zaeed stomping into the room. “Which one of ya daft bitches took my goddam whiskey?”

Shepard raised her hand, “Me, I did it! I've been a bad bad girl, Mr. Bounty Hunter.” Shepard laughed and waved as Zaeed carried her off to his quarters, the women's catcalls muffling when the door closed.

 

**59\. Bonding**

As glass shattered around her she couldn't help but think maybe she wasn't cut out for this job. She may be one of the highest ranking psychiatrists humanity had to offer, but that seemed like nothing compared to the legendary squad-mates Shepard had picked up. So much for the bonding techniques Kelly had sworn by.

They had drinking in common, Kelly thought as a bottle of turian brandy shattered near her feet. That was something at least. 

 

**60\. Loudly**

She would never admit how much she enjoyed it. She lay there awake and waiting. 

Suddenly, alarms blared as the lights turned on. “GET OUT OF BED MAGGOTS!” Shepard was up and dressed in under thirty seconds. She stood in front of her bed at attention, her face blank, as the instructors yelled at the hungover special forces recruits. 

It was difficult not to laugh when the men and women around her groaned in agony.


	7. Chapter 7

**61\. Thudding**

Her head throbbed unevenly. 

The sound of metal falling echoed, but it didn't make her head hurt worse. Shouldn't it have? The sounds seemed to be a repetition. 

Ping, ping, ping. Pause. Ping. Ping. Ping. 

Over and over again. But it didn't make her head hurt worse. 

A humming, murmuring sound echoed. Dust made her cough. Then the throbbing again. No, thudding. Boots. They were boots. Then silence.

“Commander Shepard!”

The boots were looking for her. “Here,” she whispered raggedly. “I'm here.”

“There!” Weight was lifted, fresh air seeped in. “Shepard,” the voice greeted her softly.

“Wrex.”

 

**62\. Guitar**

They had been sworn to secrecy. Threatened even. 

Their eyes meet across the table, they both smiled at the memory as she glares at them, daring them to say anything in front of her crew.

_She bounces up and down on the bed wearing only a pair of red panties and an old, worn tank top. A strange, loud sound coming from the musical instrument she is playing. Her fingers work furiously while her hair flies as her head beats to the rhythm._

_I share a look with Garrus before we turn our attention back to the oddity before us._

_She sees us, the music stops, her mouth falls open, and a red blush moves up her neck..._

 

**63\. Shaving**

“Garrus, it's a little weird with you staring.”

“Doesn't it hurt?”

“No. Hair is dead.” He flinched, a bead of red appearing. “But my skin isn't.”

 

**64\. Hair**

“Now sit still, kid.” 

The reply was drown out by the sound of the clippers coming to life. 

Poor kid. Another forgotten soul Shepard picked up along the way. The only difference was this was a kid. No more than ten. Jack would never say it aloud, but she felt a certain...affection for the thing.

Wads of matted hair fell to the ground revealing a cute little girl. A beautiful, scared little girl. 

“Let's get you cleaned up. Shepard expects everyone to have supper together.” Like a family, but she didn't say it.

“Yes Ma'am.”

**  
65\. Soccer**

The only reason Kasumi showed up for these things was right in front of her, doing sit-up during the commercials.

 

**66\. Water**

They told her it would be empty. Dead.

It wasn't.

“Stop!” She yelled.

They froze. Not because they understood her, but because they'd never seen her species. They all moved back, confused and scared, as Shepard ran forward while her squad covered her.

A child. They'd been beating a child for the tiny container holding a sip of water. 

After a quick scan showed no breaks, she lifted the terrified child into her armored arms. She ignored the tears that fell from her eyes as she wiped the blood dripping from the child's cut lip. She stood, the child grasping her tightly, and turned to her waiting squad.

“Send a message to the council. Rakhana holds life and they damned well better be ready to send help for the remainder of the population. Rescue teams, supplies...everything.”

“Siha,” his voice calming her anger.

“Water, Thane,” her voice cracking with emotion. “He needs water.”

Siha's were whispered all around her as she carried the child to Mordin. Of course _Siha_ would be the word they would understand.

 

**67\. Racket**

Growling in frustration, Thane covered his head with his pillow and changed positions. Humans had to be the noisiest creatures in the entire galaxy.

The light flicked on as a burst of air, and noise, hit him. 

“Thane, put the gun away.” 

Shepard. He hadn't even bothered to uncover his head before pointing the gun at her. 

“Are you okay? You aren't normally in bed this late.”

“Sound carries,” he grumbled as he pointed in the general direction of the vents.

“Ah,” she commented. “Come with me.”

Thane followed her to the elevator, completely exhausted from hearing the snoring all night or giggling from the women as they stayed up gushing over the latest squad member.

Once the elevator stopped, Shepard guided him to her bed and easily pushed him down onto the soft, cool sheets before covering him half way. They smelled like her, the sheets.

“Sleep, Thane,” she whispered.

Water, he heard water bubbling reminding him of a fountain. The room was warm, dry. The scent of vanilla under his nose. 

Sleep...yes sleep sounded wonderful.

 

**68\. Table**

Yes. No. Human periodic table most confusing. Genius too. Hard time remembering though. Perhaps a song would help?

>Search>SpaceTube/periodictablesong

>Results>Tom Lehrer's “The Elements”

Ah. Perfect.

 

**69\. Late**

A war of all wars was happening out there and here she was, staring at a stupid test. It had been a drunken one-night stand. A really good drunken one night stand if she was honest. 

_Pregnant_

Ashley released a shaky breath. They had to win this war. After, she would tell James. If she survived.

 

**70\. Media**

“I was never disgraced!” The door swung open, an angry commander entering a live broadcast. “Doubted, yes. Ridiculed, yes. Laughed at, yes. Disgraced, no!” She yelled.

The man in front of her visibly swallowed. “Yes, Ma'am.”

“I am tired of walking around the Citadel hearing your damn words repeated over and over and over again! Fix it,” she demanded sternly before turning on her heel and marching out.


	8. Chapter 8

**71\. Desktop**

Karin never thought it would be used this way. And she never would have guessed the ship's cook was so...inventive.

 

**72\. Flipper**

“That ain't what I meant ya daft bitch!”

“You said flip her!”, Garrus panicked as an angry Shepard stood covered in sand.

“Flipper! Flipper. Flipper. Flipper. Not flip her.”

“It sounds the same!”

This had to be the worst vacation in the Normandy's history.

 

**73\. Club**

After the third loud club, Shepard decided she was far too old for this young persons game. She waved Kasumi, Kelly, and Jack on when they were ready to hit another place.

Besides, there was an assassin she was playing cat and mouse with. She was about to catch him, he just didn't know it yet. 

 

**74\. Flying**

“One more time, Daddy!”

Steve picked up his blue-eyed bundle of adorable and did as was demanded. It was always one more time. 

“Look, Papa, I'm flying!”

John stepped out into the grass, a bright smile on his lips at the sight of father and child. “I guess you do take after your daddy.”

“Oh, I don't know, Shepard. I didn't giggle as much as this when I was flying the Trident,” Steve teased as another peal of laughter came from their daughter.

 

**75\. Smooth**

_Seriously? Popping the heat sink? Real smooth, idiot. It's a wonder she didn't call the whole thing off._

Garrus sighed, frustrated with himself. He'd waited so long, thinking he'd never get a chance with her. Now that he was finally getting to have her as more than a friend, he couldn't keep the nerves calm. 

Study, he needed to study. By the time he was done with her, she wouldn't want anyone else.

 

**76\. Monster**

Brushing the dirt off of her dress, she stood to admire her work. 

White flowers lined the walkway to the house she'd longed for. 

“It is beautiful, Falere.”

“Thank you, Mother.”

She was the only surviving ardat-yakshi and with the monastery in ruins this was the only thing the government could do as they struggled the repercussions of withholding prothean technology. 

“They were Rila's favorite,” Falere whispered, thankful her sister was saved from becoming a...banshee they called them. 

 

**77\. Purple**

This was starting to become annoying. Everyone seemed to think that just because her suit had been purple that it was also her favorite color. But it wasn't! She just liked the way the design color and the purple looked together. 

Now her new home was filled with purple rugs, purple throws, purple curtains...purplepurplepurple.

How was she going to tell them that their house warming gifts were hideous?

 

**78\. Guardian**

Laughing maniacally, she reloaded and fired. The round penetrated the shield, the trooper falling to his knees before toppling over completely.

The shocked stares from Shepard and Garrus were a little aggravating though. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” Garrus stated quickly. 

Shepard though, never seemed to have a problem with being honest. “That was creepy, Liara. Did Wrex give you battle laugh lessons?”

Garrus chuckled, “Remember, she's one-quarter krogan.”

“Oh yeah!”

The urge to headbutt had never been so strong.

 

**79\. Bold**

“None of you?”

“I'll do it, Sir.” Heads snapped to him as he stepped forward. “I'm the fastest.”

The lieutenant nodded, “Spirits guide you.”

The fourteen year old secured the bomb, as instructed, before he handed over a data-chip and a small cryo box holding one of his three testicles. “For my family, Sir, if they survive.” The frozen testicle would ensure his line didn't die with him. A turian tradition.

Then he hid, primed the detonation trigger, and waited for the signal. Once it was given, he ran. He didn't stop for anything. Other turians threw themselves between him and indoctrinated. He smiled, his mandibles flaring, when he heard and felt an explosion of a nearby reaper being taken down. 

Up the ramp and into the ship, turians surrounding him with accepting expressions.

“For the spirits of Palaven!”

Victorious battle cries rang out before he squeezed the trigger.

 

**80\. Hyperlink**

Proof. Everyone wanted proof. She is a decorated doctor! 

Karin Chakwas continued adding footnotes to her 'research' paper. She'd been doctoring the prothean for months and she was the _only_ doctor to ever do so. 

Yet they wanted proof of her medical treatments. Like there were sites out there that held it. She could only reference herself.


	9. Chapter 9

**81\. Presentation**

Liara stood tall with false confidence. They were laughing, rolling their eyes. Like she was here for their entertainment. 

Later, in her old bedroom, she sobbed into the pillow. 

“Do not cry, Little Wing. They felt challenged by your findings, that is why they reacted they way they did. Scientists and scholars are prideful. You musn't take it to heart,” her mother whispered as she rubbed calming circles on her back.

“Yes, Mother.”

 

**82\. World**

Seeing him standing there in the city he was born in was far more emotional than she expected it to be. 

It wasn't until they were looking out on Earth that she realized it had nothing to do with the place and everything to do with the man.

He is her world. 

“Did good, Shepard.” A quiet breath leaves him. The last.

He was her world. 

"Thank you, David," she whispered even though he was already gone.

 

**83\. National**

Not everyone understood. Shepard did, but that was because they had been doing this since they'd met each other.

“Why are you wearing that hat, Joker?”

He opened his mouth to answer only to see Shepard rounding the corner wearing stripped overalls. She tipped her head in Joker's direction, he nodded back.

This new crew would get used to their antics, he decided. Why give it away? 

National Train Day. His favorite.

 

**84\. Comment**

_Gravy shouldn't have lumps.  
The toilet is clogged again.  
There is a loose screw on the kitchen cabinet.   
I really enjoyed mystery meat night. Not._

Perhaps the box hadn't been the best idea, Gardner thought.

 

**85\. Element**

“Surprise!”

Cake exploded as a throw hit it.

The crew learned that surprise birthday parties shouldn't be given to highly trained assassins. 

 

**86\. Magic**

He found himself in her cabin, speaking of things he'd kept inside for so long. His divorce, his son's death, and his fears of being his peoples leader.

And she just listened. Her gaze filled with warmth and kindness. No judgment or pity.

He'd heard murmurs, rumors of her pull. Of her intensity. Of how she swayed people to fight for her cause.

The truth was that she just cared. Cared about the strangers she helped, about the criminals she saved, and the lives she'd been sworn to protect.

It seemed he was no less immune to her than anyone else. 

 

**87\. Lion**

The exhibit had closed hours ago but she still remained. He'd tried to make her leave, as did the lead keeper, but her Spectre status allowed her to be anywhere she wanted.

“I just want to see,” she whispered.

“See what, Ma'am?” He asked half curious, half annoyed.

“If he remembers me.”

It couldn't be. His coming questions were cut off when the animal in question finally looked toward them. The heavily armored woman placed her bare hand to the thick glass. The deadly creatures gaze zeroed in on the hand, going from bored to predator in less than a heartbeat. Only a second passed when the lion stood, moving gracefully to the window. 

Lion and marine stared at each other. 

Surprise filled the keeper as the lion pressed his snout the the glass, nuzzling her hand. “You were the one that saved his life?”

“Yes,” her voice thick. “Take me to his cage.”

“This way.”

She stood and walked behind him. When he glanced back after opening the door, David the lion was moving to the door that would allow him into his resting area.

He hoped the spectre had medical insurance.

 

**88\. Sand**

The trip to Tuchanka had been extremely productive but it would take hours just to clean this one set of armor. 

“Reporting for duty, Jacob.”

“What?”

“Shepard told me to come help get the sand out of the armor.”

Jacob passed over a gauntlet and a toothbrush to Kasumi. At least he had company even if the always present smile creeped him out a bit.

 

**89\. Crust**

The crew argued loudly as the non-humans stood back in confusion.

“Enough! You'll eat what I damned well feed you!”

Gardner lay large thick crusted pizza's on the tables. Some whoops of victory and groans of unhappiness filled the mess hall. Shepard's disappointed groan included. At least until Gardner placed a special-made veggie lovers, hand-tossed, garlic crusted pizza in front of her, making her jump up and kiss the chef on the cheek. 

“Thank you!”

If he'd ever had a daughter...

Shaking his heard from that train of thought, he returned to the oven to add more pizza. 

 

**90\. Toast**

Vega returned to the kitchen only minutes after he'd taken a tray to Ashley. 

“I really don't want to know what is on your shirt, James.” Shepard pulled her toast out of the toaster and placed them onto a small plate. “Try this.”

“Gracias, Lola.”

Poor Ash. Morning sickness had been so hard on her this time around.


	10. Chapter 10

**91\. Jam**

The music was old, twentieth and twenty first century, and the smells were amazing. One by one they were called out of bed by their noses in the middle of the night cycle. What they found in the mess hall was a little different than what they'd pictured.

Commander Shepard, captain of the Normandy, Savior of the Citadel, Victor of the Blitz, and first human spectre-- was canning.

His soft tenor voice sang along with the music as he poured strawberry preserves into a sterilized mason jar. Prepared fruits covered the counter tops as well as already canned jams. 

One by one the crew returned to their beds confused and somewhat weirded out by the sight of Shepard in a pink, frilly apron.

 

**92\. Hunter**

It was likely that EDI knew. No one else though. She normally waited until the crew was out on shore leave before she dropped down into maintenance shafts or crawled through vents.

What she saw come out of the shadows when she reached the crew deck nearly made her jump out of her skin.

“Damn it, Krios!” She punched him on the shoulder while she gripped her chest as if to slow her racing heart.

“My apologies, Commander.”

“That smirk says otherwise, Sere.” She changed positions, crouching becoming uncomfortable. “So, hunting anything in particular?”

“Perhaps.”

 

**93\. Forest**

The view was beautiful. Mountains from the living room, a gorgeous forest from the bedroom. 

“What do you think, Ms. Shepard? Want to make an offer?”

“It is gorgeous.” 

_Aaachoo! Achoo!_

“Nope. Let's keep looking.” Damn tree pollen.

 

**94\. Foraging**

They were all spread out and walking in one direction. 

“Okay kids, we are going to be picking berries today. Please do not eat them until they've been inspected.”

This had to be one of the most boring field trips Jane had ever been on, but she participated. No need for the teacher to tell her mother. Again.

 

**95\. Silently**

“Well done. I almost didn't hear you.”

Kolyat smirked smugly at his father. “I've been taking ballet lessons.”

Thane nodded in understanding, “For grace and balance.”

“Yeah. It's hard being so tall.” Kolyat smiled, how could he not? “Ballet also helps attract the ladies.”

His father chuckled. 

 

**96\. Awesomated**

“Holy Kellah! Did you see that explosion?” Shepard exclaimed excitedly.

“It was pretty awesome, Shepard.”

“Awesome? You called that awesome? Nuh uh. That was better than awesome.”

“Awesomated is the words your looking for, Shep.” Kasumi added from her perch.

“What the does that mean?” Garrus asked but was unable to get an answer when a new wave of enemies began firing on them.

 

**97\. Joshing**

“Your face plate needs a good shine.” Shepard joked.

“Well, your toes look like rejected chicken nuggets.” Tali quipped in return.

Shepard laughed hard. “Well your....your....” She couldn't continue. Laughter over took her as tears fell.

“I do not understand what is going on. Is trading insults normal for humans?” Samara asked.

Tali placed her paper crown on her helmet. “On the original Normandy, I often found the humans partaking in a tease session to help ease stress. They call it _Joshing_.”

“I see. And the crown?”

“I won.” Tali replied with mirth as Shepard laughed and stumbled to the elevator.

 

**98\. Pong**

_Beep. Boop. Beep. Beep. Boop._

It wasn't exactly what she'd been looking for but it did the job, she thought as her eyes grew heavy. Who knew a 213 year old game could lull her to sleep.

She hoped Legion didn't come up here thinking he heard the song of his people.

 

**99\. Peon**

There were dozens of them sitting perfectly still in their cages, waiting to be bought.

Slaves.

The word made her sick to her stomach, but she couldn't afford to blow her cover. No matter how angry this place made her feel. She just needed to buy one so Liara could gain access.

It was a young looking batarian female that caught Shepard's eye. The batarian taking her down the aisle noticed.

“That one isn't yet trained. She's good for one thing right now,” the male stated lewdly making the poor girl shake in fear.

“I told you, I have certain...tastes. I like them young. I want to train them myself,” the words said with false want.

“Then she is what you want. I have another to offer. Just picked him up.”

Shepard followed to another cage. “How old?” 

“Fifteen in human years.”

She pretended to mull over it for a minute. “How much for them both?”

The batarian smiled, “Eight thousand credits for the pair.”

“Seven.”

“Seven-five.”

“You have a deal, Mr. Hupula.” She shook his hand and smiled at the _small_ victory. These children would be free soon. And this slave ring taken down.

 

**100\. Tinsel**

“Legion?”

“Shepard-Commander.”

“Please explain your...attire.”

“Several of the crew were disappointed by the lack of a Christmas tree. We are able to change the color of our light and offered to do so. They...decorated us when we were running diagnostics,” his brow flaps flared in what looked like embarrassment.

“So...while you were sleeping, they decorated you like a tree?”

“Yes.”

“I see,” she stated as she tried to keep her face straight. “It seems they forgot the topper.” She removed her antler headband and placed it on his head. When it failed to stay put, Shepard grabbed some twine out of Doctor Chakwas' desk and tied it under his chin, successfully securing the antlers to his head. “Perfect.”

Legion said nothing as he stood there. 

“The tinsel compliments you.”

“Thank you, Shepard-Commander.”

With a smile, she left the geth to continue her rounds. 

Would the tinsel cause problems with static?

Nah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally it is done and just in time! This was a lot harder than I anticipated, but it was fun. Thanks so much for all the kudos and comments! You guys are amazing as always!
> 
> *Passes around cake* 
> 
> Today we celebrate my 30th fic and my 30th birthday! Nom nom nom, love me some cake with whipped frosting. *drool*


End file.
